My youngest son has struggled with depression and anger since infancy; however, we began to recognize his struggle as soon as he began to communicate – he is now 8. It’s difficult to describe what life has been like as a family – for us, it is normality… hour upon hour of crying in the depths of despair (often there is no particular reason), unpredictable mood swings all over the map of the emotional spectrum, overblown, exaggerated emotional highs with maniacal fits of laughter, living in constant fear of your own son – of being hurt, injured, etc, removing every breakable object in his room so that he and others in our family will be safe (not to mention the property), buying extra locks and security measures so that he doesn’t run away in his irrational state, hiding sharp objects so that he could not use them on himself or our family… Our son has been diagnosed by several psychologists and psychiatrists; however, suffice it to say that he has a “severe mood disorder.”

As our son became increasingly depressed, angry, and unstable with age, we have experienced a variety of reactions from people: confusion, judgment, disapproval, anger, disbelief, denial, relational separation, etc.,  and a few that have entered into our world and loved our family, showing compassion, seeking to understand. It is remarkable to me the lack of understanding and compassion from people toward families who daily live in the crucible in which we exist. When you add the “pastor” factor to the equation, you have the ideal recipe for judgment from afar, especially within the church. The most common response we receive when somebody takes the time to move beyond relational acquaintance towards knowing our family: skepticism. It’s as if they have suddenly become the “expert” – their demeanor and verbal cues convey that the jury is out, further investigation is required – “expert” advice is dispensed.

There is a noted lack of understanding in the medical community regarding mood disorders in children: mis-diagnosis, over-diagnosis, over-medicating, etc. Yet, there is often such an air of confidence among those in the mental health field that we have, at times, unwisely submitted to their counsel. We would walk into their office confident about the decision we’d made in regard to a course of treatment that was in the best interest of our child (after all, we are the parents) and leave with a prescription for increased meds. (Disclaimer: this is not to state that we are against the mental health profession or the use of psychotropic medication; some psychologists and psychiatrists were very compassionate and gave wise, practical counsel).

We’ve tried various meds and therapies, most of which were of little concrete aid, honestly. Most psychotropic medications provided a degree of emotional stability; however, the negative emotional and, at times, physical side effects were often a trade-off that we have been unwilling to subject our child to on an ongoing basis. In some cases, the side effects were significantly worse than his mood disorder (which is difficult to conceive). At this point in our journey, we’ve decided to fore-go psychotropic medication, opting for a holistic, natural approach and have recently discovered a natural Serotonin enhancer and chelation therapy that has made a significant difference when combined with various relational communication techniques and strict dietary guidelines.

I love my son. God loves my son. Though he has a heightened susceptibility to emotional upheaval – mountains and valleys of emotion, he also has a authentic relationship with God through Christ, worships God from the heart in such a way that melts our hearts, and possesses a supernatural ability to care for other people – the “body gift” of mercy: to compassionately care for the broken, the poor, the downtrodden, the oppressed, entering into their emotions, their suffering, their pain – it is truly profound. He understand sadness, depression, pain, loss… is aware of his emotions, and processes through the undergirding triggers that have caused him to spin emotionally out of control on a level that is rare even among adults. However, he is also a child, struggling, maturing, growing… he has so much to offer this world.

He reminds me of a Scripture passage: Matthew 5:3-8  ”Blessed are the poor in spirit, for the kingdom of heaven belongs to them. Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted… Blessed are the merciful, for they will be shown mercy. Blessed are the pure in heart, for they will see God.”

When I think back upon the last eight years of parenting my son, I recognize that I’ve made innumerable mistakes, responded improperly to him (in inappropriate anger), showed lack of patience, lack of understanding, lack of empathy, lack of compassion, lack of maturity… God has used him to mature me: to teach me how to love, how to be slow to anger, how to empathize, how to be compassionate, how to understand – and I am still woefully immature. However, I am grateful – grateful for my son, grateful for his birth-family, grateful for my wife, grateful for my family, grateful for the crucible, grateful for the struggle, grateful for grace, grateful for redemption, and grateful that, one day, all things will be remade in the renewal of all things – the practical effects of the curse (from the fall of mankind) will be ended, and there will be no more crying or pain…

Revelation 21:4-5  ”He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death will not exist any more– or mourning, or crying, or pain, for the former things have ceased to exist.”  And the one seated on the throne said: “Look! I am making all things new!” Then he said to me, “Write it down, because these words are reliable and true.”

Maranatha – “Come, oh Lord”

Over the years, I’ve read a plethora of books on parenting: Bringing Up Boys, To Train Up A Child (the series), Shepherding a Child’s Heart, Preparation for Parenting, Growing Kids God’s Way, The Explosive Child, Parenting With Love And Logic, Beyond Consequences, Logic, and Control (Volume 1), Beyond Consequences, Logic, & Control (Volume 2), The Connected Child, ad infinitum…

Each of these books has it’s strengths and weaknesses; most of the books were enlightening and insightful on some level; a few books were misguided and damaging.  The most insightful book that was also balanced and full of grace and truth was Shepherding a Child’s Heart. What I appreciate most about this particular book… Parents seem to be constantly searching for “solutions”, formulas that enable them to negotiate the murky waters of parenting: x + y = obedient, respectful child. (This is not lost on me as quite often I just want to survive the day and still be following Jesus as a family; I too am often praying, seeking, and searching for “solutions” – don’t you see the impressive list of books I’ve read?)

Many books explain particular situations parents may find themselves in, ideas for managing difficult children, various forms of external discipline (weighing the pros and cons of each), etc. The external behavior was often dealt with; however, very few texts dealt with how to mold and shape your child’s heart. The effect is like placing a band-aid on the particular issue without caring for the actual cause of the wound – the healing is limited, but it is covered over for a time. Shepherding a Child’s Heart deals with parenting with a view to the heart and is a great primer on mentoring and shaping our children.

From a Scriptural standpoint, we should expect disobedience from our children while training them towards obedience. They, like every human being, are born with a nature prone towards sin (Romans 5:12). They have not begun the process of heart and life transformation that is initiated through trusting in Jesus to save them from their sins (Acts 15:7-9; Romans 10:9-10; Galatians 4:6; 2 Corinthians 5:17). Prior to regeneration by the Holy Spirit, we should expect them to sin – it should be no surprise (though I often have found myself expressing surprise and frustration).

Discipline, including the use of the rod, is primarily a “training” process (Proverbs 22:6; Hebrews 12:11) springing from the motive of love (Proverbs 13:24) which is genuinely for the good of the child, resulting in momentary sorrow (Hebrews 12:11), respect towards the parent(s) (Hebrews 12:9-10), knowledge/instruction of the proper way of life [God's precepts], and wisdom (Proverbs 22:6; Proverbs 29:15; Ephesians 6:4). The function of the rod is to drive foolishness from the heart (note that the heart is to focus) (Proverbs 22:15).

While there are many forms of discipline, forms that do not address the heart fall short, involving primarily behavior modification (which does have it’s place in the re-training process). We ought not ignore the principles in Scripture on the subject of discipline lest we exalt our own wisdom above the wisdom of the One who created us. However, we, likewise, should recognize that every possible child rearing situation is not covered in Scripture and learn to sift through helpful resources, recognizing that God has given man wisdom (these should be evaluated through the lens of Scripture as to ensure they are not contrary to the Word of God). I’ve adopted such a view through having two special needs children while listening to the godly counsel of men and women I trust.

The discipline process (which is neither simple nor expedient) helps the child to understand what is right and wrong (these are objective NOT subjective), that there are consequences to what is wrong, that a breach of relationship has been formed (between man and God/man and man), and that true repentance involves sorrow, a change of heart, relational restoration, and changed actions. All these concepts are easily transferable to the gospel as the child will begin to understand that they do not possess the ability to keep from breaking God’s law and, therefore, can more readily understand their need for Jesus to save them from the punishment they deserve and give them the Holy Spirit who resides in their hearts, pouring out the love of God, and enabling them to obey Jesus (Romans 5:5; 1 Peter 1:2). The gospel breathes life into parenting, changes hearts, changes lives, and gives hope to our children (as well as the parents!)…

Post-regeneration, the struggle of the child is different. There is now a battle going on within them between the Spirit of God (new nature) and the old nature (flesh) (Galatians 5:16-25). They have begun the sanctification process in which God is making them holy/righteous (Hebrews 12:10-11). They will still sin; however, the struggle is learning to crucify the flesh and submit to the Spirit of God so that they the fruit of the Spirit is borne in and through them in Christ. The child has the tools to follow Christ (the Word of God, the Holy Spirit, the body of Christ, etc.); however, they do not know how to use these tools. In this, we can come along our children and mentor them, modeling before them and teaching them how to use the tools God has given them in order to follow, obey, and glorify Jesus.

Inadequacy: “lacking the requisite qualities or resources to meet a task”

Honestly, this is how I feel nearly every day: inadequate as a father, deficient, lacking… Inadequate to understand the mind of Jaden:  Asperger’s Syndrome, connecting with him, relating to him, answering the thousands of questions he asks on a daily basis (literally), redirecting him so that he can focus on a particular task…  Inadequate to understand Jonah: his daily bouts with depression, anger, sadness, being overwhelmed by emotions, shutting down, shutting me out.  Inadequate to lead my family through such struggles.

The children God has entrusted to us daily face issues that I have never personally encountered, intense, relationally altering, biologically confusing, emotionally devastating issues; however, for them, this is normality.  This has become my daily exercise in weakness, “‘My grace is enough for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.’ So then, I will boast most gladly about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may reside in me.” (2 Corinthians 12:9) I am in the daily crucible of God, where He is forming me in Christlikeness, exposing my deepest fears, breaking me apart, tearing down all my expectations of “family”, rebuilding me, reforming me, transforming me.

I’ve met fathers who seem to have parenting all wrapped up in a box with a pretty bow tied around the exterior; I used to be one of them – parenting was almost formulaic: x + y = happy obedient children. Now I recognize that parenting is based upon solid Biblical principles that are indeed true, practical, and applicable; however, Scripture was not intended to cover every conceivable situation. There are some things about which Scripture is silent. There is grace in these areas, grace to fail, grace to struggle, grace to experience frustration, inadequacy, and the power of God, the strength that can only be found in weakness.

There are aspects to the character of God and the teachings of Christ (“Blessed are the poor in spirit, for the kingdom of heaven belongs to them”) that I would not comprehend without our children. When we adopted them, we had no concept of what God had in store. Though I am certain God gave them to us for their sake, I am now convinced that God entrusted them to us for our sake. Daily I cry out to God and remind him of how inadequate I am for the task. Daily He reminds me that He is adequate for the task. He gave them to us so that the power of Christ may reside within us. Our children are precious, a blessing from the Lord (Psalm 127:4-5). We have the privilege to love, mentor, enjoy, and struggle through this with them.