Over the years, I’ve read a plethora of books on parenting: Bringing Up Boys, To Train Up A Child (the series), Shepherding a Child’s Heart, Preparation for Parenting, Growing Kids God’s Way, The Explosive Child, Parenting With Love And Logic, Beyond Consequences, Logic, and Control (Volume 1), Beyond Consequences, Logic, & Control (Volume 2), The Connected Child, ad infinitum…

Each of these books has it’s strengths and weaknesses; most of the books were enlightening and insightful on some level; a few books were misguided and damaging.  The most insightful book that was also balanced and full of grace and truth was Shepherding a Child’s Heart. What I appreciate most about this particular book… Parents seem to be constantly searching for “solutions”, formulas that enable them to negotiate the murky waters of parenting: x + y = obedient, respectful child. (This is not lost on me as quite often I just want to survive the day and still be following Jesus as a family; I too am often praying, seeking, and searching for “solutions” – don’t you see the impressive list of books I’ve read?)

Many books explain particular situations parents may find themselves in, ideas for managing difficult children, various forms of external discipline (weighing the pros and cons of each), etc. The external behavior was often dealt with; however, very few texts dealt with how to mold and shape your child’s heart. The effect is like placing a band-aid on the particular issue without caring for the actual cause of the wound – the healing is limited, but it is covered over for a time. Shepherding a Child’s Heart deals with parenting with a view to the heart and is a great primer on mentoring and shaping our children.

From a Scriptural standpoint, we should expect disobedience from our children while training them towards obedience. They, like every human being, are born with a nature prone towards sin (Romans 5:12). They have not begun the process of heart and life transformation that is initiated through trusting in Jesus to save them from their sins (Acts 15:7-9; Romans 10:9-10; Galatians 4:6; 2 Corinthians 5:17). Prior to regeneration by the Holy Spirit, we should expect them to sin – it should be no surprise (though I often have found myself expressing surprise and frustration).

Discipline, including the use of the rod, is primarily a “training” process (Proverbs 22:6; Hebrews 12:11) springing from the motive of love (Proverbs 13:24) which is genuinely for the good of the child, resulting in momentary sorrow (Hebrews 12:11), respect towards the parent(s) (Hebrews 12:9-10), knowledge/instruction of the proper way of life [God's precepts], and wisdom (Proverbs 22:6; Proverbs 29:15; Ephesians 6:4). The function of the rod is to drive foolishness from the heart (note that the heart is to focus) (Proverbs 22:15).

While there are many forms of discipline, forms that do not address the heart fall short, involving primarily behavior modification (which does have it’s place in the re-training process). We ought not ignore the principles in Scripture on the subject of discipline lest we exalt our own wisdom above the wisdom of the One who created us. However, we, likewise, should recognize that every possible child rearing situation is not covered in Scripture and learn to sift through helpful resources, recognizing that God has given man wisdom (these should be evaluated through the lens of Scripture as to ensure they are not contrary to the Word of God). I’ve adopted such a view through having two special needs children while listening to the godly counsel of men and women I trust.

The discipline process (which is neither simple nor expedient) helps the child to understand what is right and wrong (these are objective NOT subjective), that there are consequences to what is wrong, that a breach of relationship has been formed (between man and God/man and man), and that true repentance involves sorrow, a change of heart, relational restoration, and changed actions. All these concepts are easily transferable to the gospel as the child will begin to understand that they do not possess the ability to keep from breaking God’s law and, therefore, can more readily understand their need for Jesus to save them from the punishment they deserve and give them the Holy Spirit who resides in their hearts, pouring out the love of God, and enabling them to obey Jesus (Romans 5:5; 1 Peter 1:2). The gospel breathes life into parenting, changes hearts, changes lives, and gives hope to our children (as well as the parents!)…

Post-regeneration, the struggle of the child is different. There is now a battle going on within them between the Spirit of God (new nature) and the old nature (flesh) (Galatians 5:16-25). They have begun the sanctification process in which God is making them holy/righteous (Hebrews 12:10-11). They will still sin; however, the struggle is learning to crucify the flesh and submit to the Spirit of God so that they the fruit of the Spirit is borne in and through them in Christ. The child has the tools to follow Christ (the Word of God, the Holy Spirit, the body of Christ, etc.); however, they do not know how to use these tools. In this, we can come along our children and mentor them, modeling before them and teaching them how to use the tools God has given them in order to follow, obey, and glorify Jesus.